Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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