so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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