She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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