If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
