I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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