Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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