Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
