Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
