i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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