The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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