So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
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