I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
