omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize