so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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