Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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