1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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