I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
