I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
