hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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