im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
