I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
