dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
