I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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