I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The Olympian is in my bed
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