You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
