this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
