Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
fuck your aforementioned shoe
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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