i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
