turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
