I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
