Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
