And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
