I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
