I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
