no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
