How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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