Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
