i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
