I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
