i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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