I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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