Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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