just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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