I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
