not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
barbara walters just said penis...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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