you guys were way drunker than both of me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I have fence marks all over my body
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
