Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
