Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
