I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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