Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
