I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize