How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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