Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
