so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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