so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
