I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
please don't ironically join a cult
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