You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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